He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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