quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I smell like Dick and happiness
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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