Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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