If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
