Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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