I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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