There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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