Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Randomize
