Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
