i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
