i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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