I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
