Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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