so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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