Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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