I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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