So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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