she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
