i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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