Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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