highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
