Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
