Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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