i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
