The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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