I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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