I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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