I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
