YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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