I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
