i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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