Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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