I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
