you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
