One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
