I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
