He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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