If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
