You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
