shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he thought i was a dude.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
