the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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