good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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