I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
