I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
