I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
