brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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