Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
