im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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