you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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