I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
