I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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